


For A Romance Expert, You're Really Dense

by QueenOfDice



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bakery and Coffee Shop, F/F, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Highschool AU, Highschoolstuck, Humanstuck, M/M, Minor Aradia Megido/Feferi Peixes, Minor Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Minor Sollux Captor/Aradia Megido, Minor Sollux Captor/Feferi Peixes, Minor or background Relationships - Freeform, Multi, Slow Burn, cheerleader/band kid, everyone is lgbtqia+, im trying to get a little bit of all my fav tropes in the mix, itll be great, minor sollux captor/aradia megido/feferi peixies, oh yeah bet you never saw that coming
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:20:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25418329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenOfDice/pseuds/QueenOfDice
Summary: Where two boys try their darnest that's for sure.Dave is a cheerleader, Karkat plays clarinet for Skia's Marching Band. Dave really likes Karkat but Karkat is dense. It leads to some silly shenanigans like:Karkat trying to help Dave win over his crushFake datingand who can forget the pining and longing?We love and need feel good happy stories here in my home and I plan on giving y'all just that! :)
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 75
Kudos: 98





	1. Place your bets

**Author's Note:**

> Hi y'all! I have written a lot of fics, but this is the first one I'm putting on AO3 so I hope you enjoy! I've had this idea for a long time and am currently three chapters in, which is fantastic considering my track record lol. I hope to post regularly, at least until college start up again. Also! I plan on this being fairly long so buckle in and enjoy the ride!

Your name is Dave Strider and you’re basically draped over the fence that separates the track and field area from the bleacher’s area, staring at who is probably the best looking person you’ve ever seen. He looks even more stunning in his band uniform, even if it leaves EVERYTHING to the imagination, just fiddling with his clarinet (if you ever get together you are SO using that as a euphemism). But that doesn’t really matter.

You’ve had this God awful crush on Karkat Vantas for as long as you’ve known him. You could say it was love at first sight. Actually… Love at first insult. 

God, when he called you a “immodest shit canned cat” you swear you could hear your brain’s sirens screaming “Oh god this is it, the person of our dreams is right in front of us! Not only is he the hottest piece of ass we’ve ever seen, but he is so witty and smart! Who comes up with these kinda insults? A genius that’s who. Oh my God, what do we do? Should we call the president, and tell him to send an alert to let everyone know we’re off the table? That we would rather go our entire life without someone if it meant you had a shot with him? Oh the war and panic that would follow that kind of announcement! The people would be rioting for days and then The Purge would actually happen and we don’t want to be the one to cause that-”

“Dave, you know that we love you but, seriously? Get your head in the game, dude.” A sweet voice cuts through your thoughts. When you turn your head around, but not moving your body from its relatively comfortable position, you see Jade Harley, one of your best friends and one of the head cheerleaders. 

“Yeah Strider,” Aradia adds, “The game’s about to start, and you can’t be staring at your lover boy the whole time! We got cheering to do!” Ah the other cheer captain. Aradia is very sweet (when she isn’t talking about paleontology because that shit gets creepy FAST (you have no room to talk with all the dead shit you used to collect)), but sometimes a man just has to stare at another dude. It just be like that sometimes. 

“Yeah, well I was hoping to keep staring until he noticed me.” You hope that doesn’t sound weird or creep, and you must show it on your face even if you have your glasses on. What was the point in wearing them if people could see your emotions? That’s right: there isn’t one. 

Well actually you’ve been trying to work on actually showing emotion and interest and shit since you started rooming in the Lalonde abode. You suppose this could be why you were comfortable telling the rest of the cheer squad about your crush on the loud guy who plays the clarinet about as loud as he speaks. Which is to say pretty fucking loud.

Whatever. Anyways, you must look pretty pathetic because all the other girls come over to try and cheer you up. Aradia turns you around to face the field and puts a pom-pom filled hand on your back. Boy troubles are nothing new to the cheer squad.

Jade softly says, “Well it is kinda hard to tell with your glasses on. I’m sure he notices, but maybe it’ll help to take the glasses off?”

“What? Guys stop, I’m fine. No dude, these are part of the Strider Aesthetic™ and they don’t come off for just anybody.” You haven’t gotten around to tell them about your sensitive eyes, but it isn’t that big a deal anyway. 

“Is Karkat’s just anybody?’” Jade gives you a knowing smirk. Damn it, there have been too many hangout sessions where you ramble on and on about how perfect this boy is for you. Like you seriously couldn’t shut up and no one stopped. Some friends you have. The tea, as they would say, has been spilled. 

You reassure the team you’re fine, and completely avoid Jade’s comment. And perfect timing, the game just started, and Aradia and Jade lead the squad through the starting cheers. You try not to think about Karkat and his stupidly perfect… everything. 

Your name is Karkat Vantas and OH MY GOD HE’S STILL STARING. 

Ever since you got back from pregame this little pompous bitch socket has been staring up here again. He does this every single game, without fail. Whenever the cheerleaders aren’t… uh… cheering, he is completely focused on whoever his eyes are fixed on. 

The whole band has started this crazy bet over who Strider has been staring at, because it’s very clear that he is at SOMEONE in the band but with those douchey glasses no one can tell. There has to be at least a hundred bucks in the pot.

Hey, band kids have to make a living off of something, and it sure as hell isn’t music. Most of us started just here to waive PE, miss school a couple of days and just ended up being sucked into the void and unable to claw our way out. 

You’ve participated in your share of theories, but only because the bet is ‘the hot thing right now’ and you would rather not be left out. Here are some of your ideas: 

The person is clearly not a low brass player, they are too high up in the bleachers, and the angle he’s staring at isn’t that far up. And they aren’t a percussionist or a trumpet because they're too low. That leaves woodwinds. 

Now, obviously no one in their right mind would willingly date a saxophone, knowing they play said instrument. That being said, you don’t know how Sollux managed to start dating Aradia, one of the head cheerleaders. You can’t deny the dude has to have some game. 

So that now leaves flutes and clarinets. Your five bucks in on Feferi, your co-section leader. She’s very pretty and sweet, and Strider has a perfect direct line of sight on her from where he leans on the fence. 

“You should go talk to him Fef,” you say, turning to look at her. When she gives you a confused look, you slightly move your head and eyes toward Strider. 

When she sees who you’re referring to, Feferi giggles. “No, Kat, YOU should go talk to him. He is for sure not staring at me.”

You aggressively shake your head, “We are not arguing about this again, he is very obviously into you, but it's too much of a pantywaist to do anything about it!” She then gives you the universal hand sign that you’re getting too loud, so you make your tone a bit softer. “You should boss up and go talk to him. You don’t have to ask him out, but maybe you can at least put this bet thing to rest.”

She giggles again, but promises she will think about it. You really hope she ACTUALLY thinks about it because romance is Kinda Your Thing and to help someone out like this would look great on your matchmaking record. A band kid and a cheerleader, man how stupid is that story? 

Thank God you see Vriska, your field commander, hold up the folder letting the band know that “Land of a Thousand Dances” is the first stand tune of the game. That train of thought was about to fly off the rails with other shitty plot lines to romance movies and books. You shuffle through your flip folder to find the music, even though you basically have all of the tunes memorized by now. You try to keep your mind off this idiotic bet.


	2. Insults and Coffee at 10pm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking of trying to post once a week? At least until school starts up at the end of August then we can see where life will take us. Hope y'all enjoy!

“Dave I swear to God this is the last time we spend a team bonding night talking about Karkat or I will strangle you!” Jade snaps while painting her index fingernail forest green. “You should seriously just talk to him, even if it's not to ask him out.”

You sigh and drape yourself across Aradia’s carpet dramatically because how else are you supposed to sigh? “No, dude, you don’t get it. Last time he insulted me so bad I got a gigantic crush on him. What would happen when he inevitably insults me again? ‘Cause you already KNOW he will for sure insult me somewhere within the first minute of talking. But it’ll be hells of endearing and shit. Like he’ll call me hobbledehoy or something and I would actually melt into a puddle. You know how embarrassing that is Jade? To become a literal liquid over an insult? I think the fuck not.”

She rolls her eyes and continues painting her nails. The conversation shifts from you to everyone else. Eridan immediately tries to make everything about him, but you only half listen to his problems, most of them he created for himself. Aradia talks about how she, Sollux and Feferi have been talking about becoming a poly relationship. Nothing official yet, but it’s something she’ll for sure keep y’all updated on. 

You’re not really that close to the others on the squad, but you always enjoy these team bonding meetups. It helps you realize that almost everyone in high school has the same problems and no one knows how to solve them. By the time you all finish painting your nails (you requested a dark red but Aradia used the last of that color so you were stuck with black. Not that you minded what color you got, you just think red is a pretty dope color.), all the hot gossip was discussed in full detail. 

After you said your goodbyes, you started walking home. You would have driven, but Rose took the car for her date with Kanaya tonight and you, being the best brother in the universe, let her have it. Besides, the weather has been really nice recently and Aradia’s house wasn’t far from yours. 

Even with the nice weather, it is still after dark and the wind has picked up a bit making it a little more chilly than you prepared for. Maybe you’ll stop at that cafe or bakery or whatever near your place to get something warm for the rest of the walk home. 

You deem that a pretty rad idea, and as you open the door to Prospit Coffee and Pastries, you realize what a glorious idea it actually was. 

In front of you, sweeping the floor with his perpetual scowl, and a bright yellow apron was none other than the man, the myth, the legend, Karkat Vantas. Holy shit what the fuck are you supposed to do now? He hasn’t noticed you come in because he has earbuds in and is really focused on sweeping the fuck out of the floor. 

Awkwardly, you make your way up to him, still no idea how to deal with this situation. Without a single thought passing through your brain you tap his shoulder to get his attention away from the floor.  
Immediately he jumps away from you, obviously not expecting anyone to enter the shop. “HOLY SHIT!” He screeches as he yanks his earbuds out. “Oh my God please don’t write a bad yelp or whatever. I barely have this job as it is and I don’t need someone telling my manager I was listening to music then cursed at a customer again.” 

You give a small smirk, hoping it will make it seem like you're a cool, chill dude. God you hope he thinks you’re a cool, chill dude and not the actual hot mess you actually are. “No worries man, I don’t blame you. Night shift must be hella boring. Who wants coffee at like ten pm anyway?”

“Some pompous crotch jockey who wears shades at ten pm fits the bill pretty well, I’d say.” Karkat must feel a bit relieved cause he insults you right to your face immediately after he just asked you not to tell his manager. 

You over dramatically act offended, hand on your forehead and all that shit. Remember when you said you would melt when he insulted you again? Well shit man someone get a mop or some shit cause there is no way you’ll survive this encounter. 

“I’ll have you know that this pompous crotch jockey needs to stay awake until he gets home and that ain't happening without a steaming brew of caffeine.” You give a small laugh. “A pompous crotch jockey? Dude where do you come up with these things? I think you’ve talked to me maybe twice since we started high school, but I’ve never once left the conversation without one insult that leaves me absolutely floored and unable to think about anything else for the rest of the day. How do you do it? What’s your secret?”

SHIT ABORT MISSION! You’ve started to ramble and it's about to get dangerously close to you making a fool of yourself. You know what? Scratch that you definitely already made a fool of yourself. 

As you’re starting to have a crisis, Karkat actually laughs and it totally derails everything you were thinking and your mouth just kinda hangs open. His laugh is literally the cutest thing you’ve ever heard and now it’s all you can think about. Throw all the music and rhymes and photography and whatever else is in the ol’ brain space right out the window. Forget making a fool of yourself, you could listen to him make that laugh until you die even if it was only a small two second laugh. 

Then he gives you this look like he’s trying to figure you out. “Seriously? You want to know my secret?”

“It would make me extremely happy. Consider my schedule cleared, even if it takes like three years or some shit. I gotta know dude.”

For the first time, you see him without his character defining scowl, which only makes this whole thing a whole lot harder. Curse your stupid brain and how it spews every thought you’ve ever had out of your mouth. 

“Alright whatever. How about I take your order and I’ll tell you after I make it? Just know that I am about to close and I’m fully prepared to physically kick you out if you stay past the moment the clock turns 10:30. Understood?”

You give a quick salute and you may or may not have said “Aye aye captain,” showing you agree to his terms. You order the sweetest drink you can think of and Karkat makes a huge deal about how disgusted he is in your “teeth rotting, cavity infecting” choices. Then he actually sits down with you at a table. 

“Ok,” he starts. “So growing up my older brother, Kankri-”

“Oh shit that’s your brother? My older brother was in his class, said he was the most annoying motherfucker he ever knew.” Once you finish interrupting him, you realize you just insulted the dude’s brother. Your CRUSH’S BROTHER. You start to apologize but he shakes it off. 

“If you’re about to say sorry, it better only be for interrupting me jerkweed. I lived with Kankri, I know what he’s like. Anyway, if you’re done giving your input into my story,” he paused to see if you would say anything, but you keep your mouth shut. He then continued, “So he always was super strict about his ‘no swearing’ policy that he would never follow himself. Out of spite, I was forced to come up with curses that didn’t break his rules but still made an emotional impact on the person receiving the insult. Now it’s just a habit but I find it hits better than actual swears.” 

“Boy do they,” you say with a stupid smile still plastered on your face. When did it become so hard to keep your poker face? 

Karkat then gave you a look, as if he were thinking hard about what he wanted to say before he spoke. You could use a lesson or two in that subject, but that’s besides the point. You’re about to ask him if you have whipped cream on your face when he asked the most random question.

“Who are you staring at at the football games?” He asks from way out in left field. Like so far out there, there is a tenth other player waaaaaay out there that never gets anything ever wacked out to him ever. You’re obviously that player and when Karkat hits the baseball, it hits you right in the dome. You weren’t even watching the game and were just standing there swaying in place looking at the sky then BAM! Baseball to the face. Whatever you barely know how baseball works, anyway. 

You sputter and nearly choke on your drink. No words will come out of your mouth and you KNOW your face is completely red from how warm it feels. 

“Everyone in the band has bets on who it is and I think it’s about time someone gets paid. I mean if you’re not comfortable telling me that’s cool I’m just sick of all the memes and shit.”  
Holy shit everyone knows. Holy shit people are making memes out of you. 

Trying to bring back your cool facade and to try and keep the truth from coming out for as long as possible, you ask if he had any money in the pot. Obviously the question was stammered and all over the place but Karkat seemed to piece it together. 

“I’m not going to lie, yeah I have a few bucks in there. I’m hoping that my romantic expertise gets me a bit closer to getting my own car.”

At least he noticed you were staring… But what the fuck?! You would think he would stop making you suffer and just ask if you were staring at him! “Uhm, so who did you think it was, mister romance?”  
He rolled his eyes as if you could read his mind and know what he was thinking. “I could go through my whole list of reasons as to how I got to my answer, but because I’m a nice individual, I will spare you the details. My bet is on Feferi, the girl who stands next to me in the stands.”

For once in our miserable life you are rendered speechless. Feferi? The girl that Aradia was talking about earlier? You try to sputter out that he was wrong but words have failed you once again. 

He must have taken this as him guessing right because he cracks the biggest smile, and yells, “I KNEW IT! Oh shit finally my probably unhealthy obsession with romance has finally paid off! I can die a happy man, thank you so much Strider.”

You have absolutely no solution for what is happening, so you sit there wallowing in your pain and silence as he goes on and gloats about his supposed win. Then he looks at you again with a huge smile. Any other time you would be delighted to see it, but now you just want to figure out a way to get out of this mess.

“Dude I can so help you get together with her! We sit next to each other for band and I can put in a good word for you! And I can tell you what she likes and-”

You stopped listening. How did he think it was Feferi? Maybe you should have taken off your glasses to look at him during the games. But then you would have the worst migraine known to man within ten minutes. Damn this is your one chance to fix this and at least get things straight about it not being her. Nothing against Feferi or anything but you aren’t trying to get in between whatever kind of relationship she could have with Aradia and Sollux. 

“Hey, listen. Actually I wasn’t-”

He cuts you off by placing his hand on your shoulder. “Strider come on, I can help. I promise.” Karkat looks so genuine and this is like the third time you’ve ever spoken to him so it is so hard to do anything but agree with him. 

Just after he says that, an absolutely galaxy brain moment happened in your brain. “Ok Vantas,” you try to make yourself seem as nonchalant as possible, “but there is no way anyone will believe you if we never really talk or hang out. Feferi will probs think something is up and not in a good way, ya’ know?” 

God please let this work. If you can play your cards right, this whole thing about Feferi could just blow over and be history. 

Karkat thinks for a second then says, “You’re… Right. She’d not stupid and if I just randomly start talking about you…” He trails off into his own thoughts. “Ok,” He says after another moment. “Fine. We will hang out or whatever so you can get close to Feferi. It’ll work out perfectly.” 

“Bro, we are going to be the bestest of bros, homies for life. We’re doing it, man. We’re making it happen.” 

Rolling his eyes, Karkat then proceeds to kick you out of the store, just as he promised, but you notice it’s 10:40 when he locks you out. With a sigh, all you can think is: I hope I don't mess this up for myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go y'all. Its about to get real lol


	3. Ugh, Band Practice Sucks

You never thought you would be “friends” with Dave Strider. But here we are. The guy comes into your work place AT LEAST once a week while you're working. Which, by the by, are always closing shifts. 

He had asked why that was and you had to explain to him that you had insulted one too many customers during the day shift and were thus moved to strictly nights only. Your boss’s reason was because no one comes in that late except high school and college students who, for the most part, don’t give a damn as long as they get what they ordered. 

Fine by you, at least then you don’t have to deal with that many people and still get paid by the hour. Plus, your friends can come in and goof off and the night manager couldn’t care less because he mostly sleeps his whole shift. Either that or he hands you the keys and trusts you to close up. 

It’s been about two weeks since you decided to help Strider get a date with Feferi. While he does come in often, you guys don’t really hang out much outside of your work. If you really want your friends to believe you and Shades McMuffin over here is your new best pal, you two are really going to have to change that. 

So on a Tuesday night, about an hour and a half before closing, when Strider waltzes in, you try to start with that topic of conversation. Of course, the idiot loves to ramble and chatter on and on about seemingly nothing. (However you’ve been able to piece together a couple things about his life, since you actually try and pay attention when people are talking to you.) The guy also seems to stumble over his words a lot, which you have no problem with and you try to be patient and help fill in words when he can’t seem to find them. Although, Strider has seemingly gotten a bit better with his words since the first hangout session. 

“-And then Rose almost whooped my ass ‘cause apparently it’s rude when she points out things in MY personal life but when I do it it’s ‘an invasion of privacy’ and ‘you really shouldn’t read my diary, David.’ Whatever, she doesn’t even have anything mushy in there anyways, it’s just full of plot hooks and poems and shit about her book that she’s barely started writing-”

You hold up a hand to, hopefully shut him up and when it doesn’t work you just speak over him. “As much as I want to hear about your goth sister’s deepest secrets from her probably coded diary,” you pause for dramatic effect,” wait, you know what? I don’t want to hear about it. If I know anything by now, you’ll just keep talking about whatever comes to your mind and then leave before I get any words in, and for once I’d like to try and get a bit of talking time in before then. I think you’ve hogged up all the speaking rights since I met you! So if you don’t mind me cutting in to talk about something we both actually care about, I wanted to talk about the whole ‘become friends so you can date one of my friends’ thing?”

For a moment, you swear he looked disappointed, but you aren’t sure why. Maybe it was because you interrupted him? Damn it he probably has a hard time talking to people and you were a total cockalorum and shut him down! Stupid stupid stupid! 

“I mean I’ll listen to whatever you were going to say about Rose or… whatever, but I want to get this out of the way first, okay?” You try to fix the damage, and it seems to work because he goes back to his slightly smiling neutral face where he tries to hide the smile and does a shit-tastic job of doing it. 

He gives you a slight nod, so you make your point. “So we’ve been hanging out quite a bit, but no one really knows. We should start hanging out at school, and maybe after school if neither of us have anything going on. Then you won’t have to come and bother me on my shift.” The last part you add, but then immediately feel bad, so you roll your eyes and smirk a bit so it actually comes off as a joke, as it was intended. 

“Whatever bro, you love it when I come in here and mess up your whole business. You live for it, me coming in and making your day go by faster, giving you actual work to do. Honestly I don’t know how you got by before I blessed you with my Strider charm.” Then he lets out this breathy giggle-laugh sort of thing that… is actually a little cute... 

Shut up brain, we got no time for that. 

With a scoff you let him know that he wishes that’s how it was. Then you discuss him picking you up from band practice tomorrow night, since he has a car and you don’t. You’re always exhausted after practice and with Kankri away for college, no one is available to drive you home that late. This way, at least most of your friends can see you two being the chillest of homies or whatever Strider is calling the two of you these days. 

After you give him the time that practice ends, making sure he knows the director will keep you AT LEAST fifteen minute late to run drill ‘one more time’ and all those loaded lies, you let him continue on a tangent that doesn’t seem to be connected at all to the original. 

You let him talk your ears off while you work on cleaning up the store. While you are listening and adding comments to his rambling, you notice how nice it is to not be alone and in the quiet of the shop. Maybe you could get used to having Shades McMuffin hanging around more often.

About thirty minutes into practice you see a familiar car pull up near the practice field, and when the driver steps out of the vehicle he has two insulated cups in his hands. You only see out of the corner of your eye, because if you move at attention right now you’ll have to do pushups and you’re not really keen on doing more physical work than necessary. 

The pillock decided to sit down in the grass by the practice field and wait, even though you won’t be done here for another hour and a half at least. And, of course, water breaks are unpredictable and very scarce so you won’t be able to tell him to jerk off somewhere else until then. So he just watches your practice until the director must see him because he lets you all go on a ten minute water break because, and you quote, “Someone’s boyfriend is here.” 

Obviously you feel incredibly embarrassed to walk over and talk to Strider after that comment, but you persist anyway. 

“What the hell, man? I told you eight, not fucking six thirty!” 

He shrugged and handed you one of the cups he’s holding. “I didn’t have anything better to do. I brought you some coffee, but I don’t know how you take it so I just dumped a shit load of sugar and cream in there and hope it's all dope.” 

You pinch your nose and, as calmly as you can, let him know that you can’t drink the coffee because it’ll ruin your instrument. “Besides,” you add, “I don’t like coffee.” 

Strider gives you a confused look, which is weird and hard to read with his glasses on but that's besides the point. “But… You work in a coffee shop dude? Plus you look like you haven’t slept in days, how do you pull that off without coffee?”

“Spite,” is the only answer you provide as you take a few large sips of water. 

Just as you’re about to get back to your spot, Sollux and Nepeta come over, both with god awful smirks that look like they got smacked onto their faces with gorilla glue. When they get over to you Nepeta sets down her tuba and giggles.

“So Dave here is YOUR boyfriend, Karkitty?”

“No, Nep, unfortunately for you we are just friends,” you let the two know. “He just happened to show up at my work one day and we started to hang out.” 

She smiles at you, sweetly but you know she’s going to keep pestering you about this, mostly because she placed the highest bet in the pot. You know two things about her bet: One, it's about you and Dave; and two, you know her bet is super specific. The girl is a supposed master of romance (not unlike yourself), so you’ll have to keep an eye on her and her public shipping grid on her insta. 

Sollux gives a small chuckle, and looks like he’s about to start harassing you again, but Vriska gives a blow of her whistle to let everyone know they need to get back to their places. You give a small shrug and smile to Dave, your cheeks a bit warm from the encounter, they grab your clarinet and jog back to your spot.

Other than that, practice was nothing special. You tried to introduce Dave to Feferi, but he kept only answering with a single word to anything you said and didn’t try to keep the conversation flowing. God he’s a mess. 

Fef glanced between the two of you, then looked at Dave with a confused look. “You seem very nice, Dave,” she said, “I’m glad you and Karkat are becoming friends! We will have to hang out together sometime.” Her face made it seem like she had an alternative motive, but you didn’t really care much, because you were helping! These two will be together in no time at this rate, as long as Dave can actually try to talk to her. 

That is actually a really weird sentence because usually you can't get him to stop talking when you’re alone. Hmmm. Nope you’re too tired to think about Strider’s weird and inconsistent speech habits right now. 

Dave then drives you home, where the two of you argue over which is more meme-able, Shrek or The Bee Movie. Neither of you win because you’re laughing too much and your obnoxious laugh is too loud to hear what smack talk he has to say about the non-ironic irony the two movies have. You get home and tell Strider you’ll see him later. It wasn’t that bad a practice night. You enter your home with a smile on your face, and your dad actually freaks out a little.

After explaining that you weren’t dying, that you just had a good practice for once, he relaxes. He then gives you a big hug. “I hope whatever has you smiling like that stays around for a long time, Karkat,” he says. 

Then, you head up to your room to get ready for bed. When you get there you realize… 

You kinda hope so too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aww Karkat gets crushes so easily lol


	4. Conversations with Weird Topics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops! This is a week late! So so so sorry! It's been pretty hectic on my end, and it might take me a bit longer to update now that college has begun to get underway. To make it up to all y'all lovely readers, this chapter is quite a bit longer than usual, so I hope you enjoy!

“No, no, no, NO! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!”

“Karkat I heard you, I’m not deaf! Say again! Hold on let me pull out my phone so I can record it…”

You reach to get your phone but are suddenly horizontal on the couch as Karkat tackles you and takes your phone away. “No you pettifogger! You can’t record something that wasn’t said! So shut your mouth and watch the stupid movie!”

After shoving him off and making a failed attempt at getting your phone back, you start to honest to God giggle. “Dude… I can’t believe you're making me watch ‘Good Luck Chuck’ almost every weekend even though you said, and I quote, ‘ugh I hate this movie, it really sucks!’”

Over the last few months of you and Karkat hanging out outside of his workplace, many sleepovers have been had. All of them at his house because you don’t need Miss “get into everyone’s business” doing exactly what her title says. Usually you spend Saturday nights into Sunday mornings with him, and every single time he has wanted to watch this God awful movie, which he has just now admitted that he thinks it’s as horrible as you think it is. And who are you to decline when you bring over the absolute best (worst) movies in existence. Plus you're a people pleaser… No you’re only trying to please Karkat. And that is not a euphemism. Curse your stupid brain for thinking it could be. 

“Ok, fine. Yeah I think it’s brain rotting levels of cringy and bad. It’s actually worse than bad, it’s atrocious and substandard for my usual go-to movies. But it’s predictable and stupid so I don’t feel bad about not really paying attention. Plus, I know you hate it so observing you attempting to watch this movie just because I like it is kinda funny, cute, and maybe a bit flattering. Maybe.”

God you’re so tired, too tired to try and keep a straight face. You must have this horrible, goofy smile on your face, so you’ve been told you have. “Awwww Karkat-”

He shoves you again, before you could say something you would almost certainly regret, thank God. “I said MAYBE dilweed! Now if you don’t mind,” He gestures to the computer the two of you are watching the movie on. Why aren’t you using the TV again? It’s right there. Maybe he doesn’t have a DVD player? You don’t know, and you for sure asked this question before and you don’t want to make Karkat annoyed with you. At least more than he might already be. 

While you're sitting there, not really paying attention to the movie (You probably could recite it word for word if you wanted to. You really, really tried to like this movie for Karkat. Key word-tried.), you think about what he had said. He noticed you trying to pay attention to the movie, which is a really hard thing for you to do in general. Then your brain starts to process: He kinda thinks you’re cute. 

Immediately your face is red and warm. To try and cover for it, by rubbing your eyes and faking a yawn. By the time you finish the most dramatic yawn of your life, the warmth in your cheeks has subsided. No more thinking about all that until you’re home where you can squeal about your colossal crush on the guy currently sitting next to you, (who called you cute) in peace. 

“I for real thought that this was one of your favorite movies, Karkat. How dare you hurt me like this.” You make a pained depression and clutch your heart, but he just rolls his eyes and continues to watch the movie, but now with a satisfied smirk plastered on his face. You may or may not feel butterflies attacking your innards after seeing said smirk. You also may or may not have had to fake another yawn to cover for your cheeks again.

After the movie is finished and he takes his time setting up the movie you brought, the cgi “The Cat in the Hat,” which is a hilarious movie and you can never be convinced otherwise.   
“Dave you should know by now that my favorite movie is-”

“‘The Princess Bride,’ yeah dude how could I forget. I also really like that one.”

“Only after I basically forced you to watch it!”

“Well look at where we are at now, two bros who’s favorite movie, collectively, is ‘The Princess Bride.’ Next thing you know, we’ll be saying ‘as you wish,’ to one another or something equally as sappy from that book-”

Karkat suddenly whips around, to face you and have his back to his laptop. “You said book! You actually read the book didn’t you! Dave you lying piece of rotten, old and forgotten garbage! One second you’re saying ‘no way man, I’ll watch the shitty rom com, but I ain’t reading any gross gushy book about making out.’”

“First of all, your take on my accent and inflection is getting better, but not nearly on par or good enough for my taste. Second of all! Yeah, whatever I read it, what do you want? A gold fucking star? Great job Karkat you made Dave read a book!”

He rolls his eyes, then sits down next to you. And when you say next to you, you mean his right side and your left side are basically glued together. Your body suddenly stiffens, not used to how close he sat so soon. Then he says, in the sweetest voice, “I knew you would like the book. Thanks for reading it, really. Maybe we’ll watch that one after this monstrosity of a movie you brought.” 

“Oh, uh…” your words have left you, not for the first time around Karkat, but for the first time in a couple weeks. Finally, you mumble out, “As you wish,” as the beginning previews of ‘The Cat in the Hat’ start up. 

“Dude, all I’m saying is I vibe really hard with Indigo Montoya and his style! Maybe not the dad thing, but you know, everything else.”

“And all I’m saying is, that is extremely gay of you.”

The two of you are now getting settled in for the night, up in his room. You set your pillow and blanket down on the air mattress that Karkat’s dad had inflated for you as you counter Karkat’s remark.

“This is literally bi-erasure and bi-phobia. I thought you were better than this- a better romance and whatever expert. Indigo is obviously bi, not gay and that’s on projection and you can do nothing about it!”

“Hey! You can’t use my ‘pan phobia’ line on me and just change it for yourself! I basically have that copyrighted!”

“And I have the ‘that’s gay’ joke copyrighted but that doesn’t stop SOME people now does it?”

“Whatever you limp weasel. I don’t think it's possible for either of us to be purposefully bi or pan phobic, snot for brains! That’s literally our sexualities!”

After a while of snarking back and forth, you finally tire out and can no longer think of creative comebacks. Karkat’s seem to be getting a bit basic as well, but that doesn't stop his loud mouth from spouting any insults in your direction, with the occasional yawn getting in the way.

You know he has a horrible time getting to sleep, plus he has awful nightmares that jolt him awake in the middle of the night, nearly out of breath. You also know that it can help if someone is in the room, just a calm, peaceful presence to let him know the world isn’t falling apart beneath him. It’s extremely comforting and nice that he trusts you enough, now, to sleep in the same room as him. The first couple of sleepovers you spent the night on the couch. Not that you mind, but you also find it nice to sleep near somebody. And since you’ve shared a room with Rose for quite a while now, it’s kinda hard not too. 

Sometimes, only every once in a blue moon, you’ll wake up in the middle of the night suddenly with your hand being held tightly. You fall back asleep soon after and you never mention it in the morning, but sometimes you’ll squeeze his hand back. Just to let him know you understand, and to let him know it’s ok. 

Damn. You really have it bad for this boy, huh? 

That Friday, Karkat comes up to you during your shared study hall, the last period of the day. He sits himself in the chair next to you, and has a huge smile on his face. Well, actually it’s a normal sized smile, but he so rarely does it at school, so any smile is a big one. 

“Ok,” he starts. “Tonight is the night. The last football game. The band is going to the restaurant down the street from the stadium to celebrate the season and you’re coming with me so you can ask Feferi out.”

You frown. You totally forgot about that whole thing. He hadn’t brought it up in a long while, but now, out of the blue, he tells you his plan. Not once during the conversation do you change out of your straight face or your monotone voice. You really don’t want to go through with this. 

It can only end badly. One, you ask her out, she says no because she, Aradia and Sollux are still trying to work out their whole thing. Then Karkat stops hanging out with you and you're stuck pining and longing for the rest of your miserable existence. Or two, you tell Karkat the truth and he hates you for it, thus only digging your grave deeper with this whole predicament. Uuuuuggggggghhhhh. Why does this have to be so complicated? 

Oh, now you remember why. BECAUSE YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF AND DIDN’T TELL KARKAT THE TRUTH FROM THE START. 

...Great now you just sound like him with all his past self hatred and being loud for no reason. Whatever. Tonight is the night, you guess. 

The last game of the season comes and goes. Another big ‘W’ under the belt of Skia High School. Normally you would be at least kinda pumped about the win, but you’re just dreading going to The Midnight Crew’s 24/7 Diner afterwards. 

Aradia and Jade, whom you’ve told most of the ordeal, try to give you advice, but you hardly listen. The two wish you luck and you head to your car after you change out of your cheerleading outfit and put away the gear. 

You end up driving Karkat there, making pleasant conversation, but he must think you’re super nervous or something because he keeps trying to fill the silence with reassurance and random topics. You’ll really miss him after this all goes down, and your only regret was not making it last longer than a few months. 

“No way, Thomas Jefferson may not have been a president, but he was definitely the hottest of the founding fathers.”

“If he wasn’t a president then, he doesn’t count! Plus Thomas Jefferson with a Miku binder totally ruined the founding fathers AND Hamilton for me, so it’s a hard pass from the judges.”

“Ok, fine, John F. Kenedy then.”

“Nope, still wrong. It’s clearly Barack Obama.”

“You know, just because you fantasize and have this weird thing for Obama, doesn’t make him the hottest president. I mean I can see where you're coming from, but have you seen Kenedy? That’s a fine piece of ass.” 

“Oh you want to see a hot piece of ass-”

Just as you were about to completely obliterate Karkat in this argument with the most beautiful (horrible) photo shopped picture of the ACTUAL hottest president and you chilling together, Feferi walks up to you and Karkat’s table and asks, “Hi guys! Am I interrupting something?”

You were about to reply with an astounding yes and then get back to your conversation, but you know Karkat has other plans. God why does he have to get so horny about matchmaking and romance?

“No I think I won this skirmish,” you give him a harsh side eye, that you know he saw and ignored. “Please take my seat, Dave has something to tell you. I’m just going to… go… do something… in that booth over there.” He points to an empty booth a bit away from where you are now. It’s definitely out of ear shot with how loud the band is, but he’ll have a clear view of you and Feferi’s conversation if he wanted to. 

“Nice save, dude,” you say sarcastically. He punches you lightly on the shoulder then leaves you and his co-section leader alone. She sits down and smiles politely, waiting for you to initiate the conversation it seems. You give a strained smile back, then take a deep breath.

After making sure Karkat couldn’t hear what you were about to say, you lean forward and whisper to Feferi. “Hey listen, I don’t know how much you know, but-”

“Oh Dave,” she giggles, “Aradia is not as tight lipped as you might like her to be. At least with me. I know about your cute little crush on crabby over there, and I have the highest bid placed on you two getting together, so you know I’m serious about this. And I know that Karkat has it stuffed in his dense little head that you have a crush on ME. So here what’s going to happen- You’re going to get up, walk over to your boy toy looking all sad like, and tell him I rejected you. He’s like THE mom friend so he will obviously try and help you get through this tough time. After you go through a recovery period, you will ask him out. Here’s the tricky part, you can’t ask him too soon or he’ll think you’re trying to rebound. That’s the new plan, got it? Now go, shoo! I have to go order before it gets to the brass or else I’m not gonna eat until midnight AT LEAST.”

You’re… stunned… floored… This is going WAY better than you imagined it. After being shocked in place for a bit, which might actually work in your favor if Karkat is being nosy and watching, you get up and try to look dejected to the best of your abilities. 

Once you get over to Karkat’s new booth and sit down, he gives you a comforting look. “How did it go?”

“Uh,” you start, trying to think of how to word this. “Yeah, uh, not. Great. She said she, uh, she said no.”

Immediately he has a sad look on his face. He goes all quiet and it makes you wonder how well Feferi actually knows Karkat. Like maybe she is just messing with you or getting your hopes up. But then again, she said she placed a lot of money on you and him getting together, so maybe this is just something you have to push through to get to the good stuff. 

“It’s no big deal, dude. Other fish in the sea or whatever they say.” Both of you are quiet for a bit, and it makes you so unbearably uncomfortable. Just to not be sitting there awkwardly and in silence, you ask him, “Hey, are we… still friends after this?”

Karkat has the most pity filled face you've ever seen in this moment. It looks like you just kicked his kitten and then dumped his fish in the toilet and flushed. It gives you physical pain to even glance in his general vicinity. 

“Dave,” God, even his voice makes you sound like a pathetic baby who needs comforting. And maybe you do, but that’s not the point right now. The point right now is that you want out of this conversation and just be hanging out like you have been the past couple months except maybe now you’re sitting next to each other holding hands and shit. “Of course we’re still friends! Is that why you’ve been so nervous? I didn’t think you were the type to be nervous to ask someone out, so I thought something might have been wrong. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to make you scared that we weren’t going to be friends after this was all over! God, I’m so stupid!”

“No way, man! You could have never known what I was stressing about! It’s all good, now that we’ve cleared that up.”

He smiles at you, you smile back and the two of you share a really sweet moment that you think might mean something for the future. Maybe something romantic?

Then Karkat has another idea and you nearly facepalm yourself out of existence. “All we have to do is make her jealous that she’s missing out!”

“Dude I really don’t think that’s going to work… She. Aradia and Sollux-” 

“It’s foolproof! We just have to pretend to be dating and she’ll definitely want to go out with you! That’s how it works in most of my romance novels, anyways”

Once you hear, we and dating in the same sentence come out of Karkats mouth, well. You nearly pass out. Like full on zoinked out and ready to join the astral plane for the rest of existence. So obviously, how could you refuse such a brilliant idea?


	5. Kissing, in THIS Economy? It's More Likely Than You Think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our boys are at it again, smh. Hope you enjoy!!!
> 
> Sorry for the long wait!! College sucks rn lol. But I promise I won't abandon this fic if it kills me, and you can hold me to that!!!

Honestly, nothing has really changed much over the past two weeks. You two hold hands a lot during school, and maybe a little after school when you hang out, but only to get used to it. Obviously. 

You have never really held hands with anyone, with the exception of Rose, when you’re feeling especially vulnerable, so it gives you this strange feeling that you want to go away. Like it hurts to hold his hand? Not because he’s death gripping your hand or anything. Maybe this is why they call it a crush? Damn and you thought you were crushing hard before. 

But other than these new feelings and the hand holding, nothing has changed, honestly. You still hang out after school and have study sessions that usually turn into an overnight hang sesh. And people who are friends do that kind of stuff all the time right? No, this was just a stupid idea that wasn’t going to go anywhere to ‘help’ with Karkat’s plan. Not that you were going to stop it or anything. 

As long as you just enjoy it while it lasts then you have nothing to complain about. You can’t even complain to anyone because literally everyone you know loves to spread the hot gossip about anything and everything. So I guess rapping to yourself will have to do for now. 

At the moment, the two of you are hand in hand, on your way to the band room from your last class. Karkat has to pick up his clarinet for the weekend, and you’ve taken to driving him home after school these days. You’re in the history hallway when Karkat stops, suddenly. 

After a moment, you ask, “You good dude?” 

Without answering your question, he asks you, “Do you trust me?” 

“Yes,” you say without even thinking. Maybe you should have though even a little tiny bit before responding but oh well. It’s already happened and you always make a fool of yourself in front of Karkat so he’s used to it by now. 

Now here's where you start really making a fool of yourself.

“Ok. Kiss me.” He says as if it's the most simple and easiest thing to say. 

“HAmin uh WHAT?” Your mouth is suddenly agape and your words refuse to form coherent anything. There is NO WAY you heard that right. 

He is now looking at you in the eyes, or it would be in your eyes if your shades weren’t in the way. “Again… say huh now?”

“Clearly no one thinks we’re dating. Feferi walks this way to her locker about this time. I promise it won’t be weird, you mooncalf.” He snarks at you in a slightly quieter tone than his usually loud volume. His face is slightly flushed, a light pink dusting his ears and cheeks. Which might literally be the cutest thing in existence, but right now is panic time not fanboy in your head about your crush time, God damn it! 

Once again you can’t say anything and you physically can’t move. There is no conceivable way this is happening. Are you dreaming? Are you about to wake up by your alarm here in a second? God you hope not. 

Karkat looks toward the corner quickly and huffs out his nose, then turns back to you. “Oh for crying out loud, Dave. Can I kiss you?” He asks, very rushed.

You nod so fast that you think you could have just snapped it by accident. Then suddenly, his mouth is on yours. You're so taken aback and shocked, even though you KNEW this was about to happen. For a good five seconds you don’t do anything, but then realize you could never get a change like this again. 

So you kiss him back. No tongue, no biting, nothing like that you heathens. But when Karkat makes a noise, THAT SOUNDS NOTHING LIKE ANYTHING YOU’VE EVER HEARD FROM HIM, it might seem like you two are going ham on each other’s faces. Like WHAT THE FUCK?????? His acting is so good it made you think for a minute there you WERE making out. 

Then HIS HAND IS IN YOUR HAIR!! Karkat does literally nothing with it, just lets it lay there, but it's the warmth and the knowing its there is absolutely crazy. It’s almost enough to make you forget that YOU'RE KISSING KARKAT!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!

You have done jack shit with your hands at this point, but you don’t have a clue where they would go. Karkat must pick up on this shit, the romance expert he is, and using his free hand, he guides one of your hands to his waist. You do the same to your other hand of your own accord, but it was done purely on instinct cause this is a no thought, head VERY empty moment for you. Then Karkat moves his free arm so that it’s draped over your shoulder. 

Maybe if you were paying attention to anything going on around you, perhaps you would have heard footsteps coming from around the corner. Maybe you would have actually heard the teacher calling your and Karkat’s names. But you didn’t.

So when Karkat pulled away, you were very disappointed and a little confused, and your face definitely gave that away because your shades were on top of your head? And Karkat’s back was against the lockers? He must have pulled you backwards and moved your shades while you were having your crisis. 

“Mr. Strider! Mr. Vantas! While I’m thrilled you decided after school was the best time for this, PDA is still not allowed on school grounds!” Ms. Paint scolded. When neither of you moved, which might have been your fault cause you still had Karkat by the hips (but then again his hand was still in your hair as well.), she did a shoo-ing motion with her hands. “Separate boys, and maybe go home, and be safe when you're doing these sort of things, ok?”

Karkat moves first, but only because your brain still isn’t done processing what just happened. Insert a loading icon over your forehead, cause it's all internet explorer and windows ten up in there. 

But you do end up letting your hands fall to your sides and turn your body toward Ms. Paint. You are 110% certain you are red all across your face and hear just from how warm they are. Shits ridiculous and hells of embarrassing. Now that the brain in your skull is finally somewhat functioning, you now notice that Feferi is next to Ms. Paint, it seems like they were walking together. Feferi has a huge grin on her face, and you don’t miss the wink she aims your way. 

“Sorry, Ms. Paint,” Karkat says, before grabbing your hand and pulling you past the two, in the direction of the band room. You go without a fuss, still kinda reeling from the fact that that just happened in real life and not a weird dream that ended with you waking up and crying because, really? Like damn subconscious we get it the guy is unfairly adorable and kissing him probably would be nice- no scratch that it WAS nice. Oh God. Nope Rose is definitely hearing about this there is no way she won’t figure it out on her own now. Might as well get to her first and only endure heavy embarrassment instead of literal emotional torture. 

Neither of you talk until Karkat, who is still holding your hand and pulling you around like a kid dragging a toy, brings you both to your car. Letting go of his hand, you get in the driver's side and he walks around and gets in his side. “See? Told you it wouldn’t be awkward,” no yeah he can’t hide his emotions very well. It was awkward. He then starts to look super guilty about something, but right before he can get any words out, your mouth starts talking for you and your thoughts before you can grab it by the reins and be all like “whoa” and lasso that shit back to its pen and never leave. 

“I mean… if it keeps your plan… going… I,” holy shit what is happening right now SHUT UP NO CLOSE YOUR MOUTH NO NO, “I wouldn’t be, exactly, opposing, if we did that… again… sometime?” Too late. Damn it you need to never talk ever again for real. You're going to blow this whole 'I have a crush on the guy I'm fake dating' thing way too quickly if you don't learn to keep you mouth shut. God that sounds like some horrible fanfiction idea. 

Karkat gives you a confused look, mixed with a very flustered face (again, super cute), then looks down towards his feet. “Well, if YOU don’t mind… I guess kissing you wasn’t entirely… awful.” He pauses for a moment. “Don’t let that go to your already gigantic ego, manure for brains.”

Oh thank God an out of this awkwardness! Back to the good, quips and giggles miners and crafters. You let your shoulders relax, and start the engine, ready to start a long debate about something to do with shit? You don’t even know, but it’s really nice. Today might have been your favorite day in the history of days. 

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you just kissed Dave Strider. On the mouth. After school. But it was a stage kiss, to make someone else jealous. You are living in a romantic novel trope. You hate yourself so much. 

And the worst part is that it was really nice. The most confusing part was Dave’s face after you broke apart because you didn’t realize that Ms. Paint would be coming this way with Feferi. His face looked so dazed and happy, his eyes (they’re the prettiest eyes you’ve ever seen) were glazed over and you desperately wanted to pull him back in for another kiss just from how he looked at you. 

Why do you do this to yourself? You had no intention of kissing him, at least not for real, because he likes Feferi, not you. But after all this hand holding and hanging out, you just had to try it. Oh God did you just take advantage of him?? You are literally the worst person, how could you do that? 

When you got into the car, you were about to profusely apologize when he tells you that he wouldn’t mind kissing again. It shouldn’t make your heart beat as fast as it does. If he’s ok with it… does that still mean you’re taking advantage of him? He still is trying to get with Feferi, with YOUR plan, and that hurts. Maybe this wasn’t the best plan. Well, can’t stop it now. When the day comes you’ll just have to deal with the heartbreak like you always do. 

Until then, maybe for once in your life you can let yourself enjoy something really nice. 

This isn’t going to end well, is it?

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you think so far! also let me know if there are any grammatical errors and such please!


End file.
